attractive. Never, therefore, allow your
partner anywhere near a youthful male instructor with a chiselled jaw, who
claims to model underwear or sunglasses during the summer. Reassure
yourself that he will almost certainly be returning to swine herding when the
winter season ends.
The right type of instructor is someone like
‘King’, an American snowsports-philosopher of my acquaintance, who has
developed an interesting line in inner snow-sports karma. Skiing is a
‘revolving door’. ‘Be the ski’ or ‘the mountain is your friend’ are the sort
of things which impressionable partners really need to hear.
They are also the sort of comments you can
drop casually into après-ski conversation to marvelling audiences keen to
hear about how you have transcended to a higher plane of
mountain awareness. Actually, there are only two things to know about
mountain awareness: the first is to be aware that the mountain is
certainly not your friend. The second is not to be on the mountain if there’s
any ice around. Nobody looks good on ice apart from instructors (the swine)
so steer clear of it.
Unfortunately, this is easier said than done
because ice lurks like a giant, malevolent banana skin - right where you’re
about to ski.
What not to wear.
For the accomplished bluffer there are certain
basic rules to observe.
1.) No-one wears a bobble hat unless they are
a complete novice ,or a buffoon or an instructor who wants to give the
impression that he is above fashion considerations.
2.) Never wear racing pants if you have a
large behind. Small children will point and snigger. So will most adults.
3.) Never wear salopettes (similar to
dungarees) if you are afflicted with an excessive girth. They rarely have
belts to restrain the stomach. Furthermore they present special difficulties
when seated on the lavatory. Horrifying stories of what ends up in the bib by
mistake.
4.) Never wear white pants, or all white
unless you want to pass yourself of as a member of Der Alpen Korps. The
advantages of professed membership of this glamorous and august body are
significantly outweighed by the tendency of every other skier on the
mountain to ski into you at speed.
What to wear.
Zips, buckles, epaulettes, superfluous
pockets, braid, fur and loud insignia combine to deliver a compelling
and unmistakable message. They have the same effect as a flashing neon
sign satying:”This person cannot ski.”
The wise are not seduced by fashion modes any
more and know the value of foregoing glitz and wearing old, suitably battered
ski clothes. On lookers will immediately conclude that you have been
skiing for years. If all else fails there is a little know market for
authentic used gear. Many instructors are required to change their ski gear
each season. They have trunk loads of the stuff lying around at home.
Utterly baffles as to why anyone is interested in their old clothes, they are
easily persuaded to part with their soiled Gore Tex for bargain prices.
It often still has their official badges, which means you cam masquerade as
an expert as long as you don’t go anywhere near the resort again.
More next
time!
